I puked a lego.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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