i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
