You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
