I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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