Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
