im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
