I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
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I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
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I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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