We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I have already put on my inside pants.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
