remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Randomize
