dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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