we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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