She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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