someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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