he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
