tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize