Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
