I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
