Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
