I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
