this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
