i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So much rum. So many feels.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
