i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
