Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
