I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
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