I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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