Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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