You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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