its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
