Will you blow on my dice?
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
