I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
COCAINE IS GR8
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
