He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
