I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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