i wish my penis had a tongue
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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