I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Randomize
