we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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