I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
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We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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