I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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