I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
