i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
