some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
