I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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