I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
