Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
