3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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