So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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