I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
