If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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