Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
