I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
