my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
