The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
