tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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