my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
