so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
