You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
