I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
