i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
