I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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